PAIN

Lately, there is a constant fear that grips me. When it comes, I can't sleep, I can't rest, I can't think of any other thing else.

The fear of going back to Hong Kong.

The fear of not having raise financial support before I leave.

The fear of not having raise prayer partners before I leave.

The fear of having ministry partners who SPEAK more than they DO.

The fear of not having accomodation when I reach Hong Kong.

The fear of going to the academic to ask for deferment of school fees payment.

The fear of seeing my professor to negotiate on my dissertation of Hikikomori.

The fear of looking for accomodation.

The fear of not having money to pay the rent.

The fear of hunger.

The fear of loneliness.

The fear of not having money for transportation.

The fear of being long away from home.

The fear of not having enough data for the research of Hikikomori.

The fear of getting involve things beyond focus.

The fear of neglecting people who need a fresh touch of the Lord.

The fear of neglecting people who need a pair of listening ears.

The fear of meeting people who put false hope in me.

The fear of left behind bills to pay.

The fear of meeting hollow faith person in Heart4Japan.

The fear of blank promises.


The feeling is so contrast while compare with previous year as I stepped out with a simple faith. It was by faith that Abraham obyed when God called him to leave home and go to another land that God would give him as his inheritance. He went without knowing where he was going. (Hebrews11:8) Now I begin to understand why He had always led me step by step. He never revealed His whole plan to me. It is always a step of faith that brought me closer, a step of obedience that brought me to the next door. I guess that is what it needs to be done. I remembered someone told me, if God would had revealed to you His whole plan, perhaps you will be so fearful that you wouldn't be able to step out for it.

and Yes, now I understand. Because I am going back to the same place, and because I had experienced sorrows and difficulties, and for worse I discovered my weaknesses and my unworthiness in times. Once I thought I had lost my faith. But now, I know, it is not about faith. I still trust that the Lord will provide all my needs. I still trust that the Lord will lead me through. I still trust that He will never leave me or forsake me. And He said, "Heart4Japan is MY ministry!" Yet, fears greet me.

Or to be exact, these are not fears, but PAIN......

I love the Lord. I don't want to miss the train of REVIVAL in Japan, yet I'm tired of being Zorro. I wish to move together with a team of people who love the Lord, who are committed, who are willing to serve. Walking together in this journey, encouraging each other, praying alongside for each other! There are so few......

George Verwer said, "Finance seems to be the greatest obstacle..... the real obstale is a lack of love, faith and biblical commitment." And that is piercing to my ears. The greatest needs in the missions field are always PEOPLE and FINANCE. We can have PEOPLE, but no FINANCE; or we can have FINANCE, but no PEOPLE; sometimes BOTH.

Yet, I had also learned. Disappointment in evangelism can often be God's appointment to teach us smething greater and something better. Great biblical, moutain-moving faith does not happen without doubts, struggles and discouragement or even sin. While I stand aginst the fiery dart of discouragement, I believe we all need to repent and turn from all that is hindering us from doing God's will in our day, repent from our unwillingness to pay the price!