Important Information from Japanese Government
Thursday, November 05, 2009
Today as I questioned myself, "Am I ready?", I noticed that the people group that was scheduled for us to pray today by Joshua Project is the Japanese. Perhaps this is the day that the Lord had made for me to remember.
It had been days that I kept having this anxiety and fear for future. Having being rejected from several publications, and realizing the cost for PhD study in Tokyo is much much higher than I thought, I began to have fear.
My projection for a PhD study on hikikomori takes 3.5 year to 7 years. Yet, I only realized that even in Japan, a usual enrollment for a PhD course takes only 3 years. Shorter is better, but not if I aim to draw a cross-country comparison while trying to eliminate as much biases as possible. Sample collection and data analyzation are crucial procedures that determine what kind of result, and how much could we generalize it to the whole population, and all these are time consuming.
Competition for scholarships is fierce and availability of scholarships on this topic is scarce and limited. In Malaysia, while quota had been given to civic servants, with a mere Master degree, I am totally incompetence if not disqualified from scholarships competitions.
The entrance exam in Feb 2010, although Prof. N has faith in me, but I have no faith in myself at all. Reading the past years papers, I felt helpless. Study plans needs to be translated into Japanese for scholarship application, and all of these must be done in a month. Examination fees must be paid in January, and other administration fees occurs too. Air tickets to Japan need to be secure in this month. Accommodation during this period of time is another thing to think about. If I am accepted to the university, the tuition fees must be paid too by March.
3 years, it means I would need to examine my initial study plan in a much critical way, should I continue with that study plan, or should I draw a new study plan? I have not much time left for submission.
I also realize the time that I spend for next three years will shape the path of my future career/expertise. If all I wanted to do is just to disprove the current believe, to correct the current myth, then I remain a non expert in any field. An expert is seen as someone who can provide an answer, a solution and discussions among peers. If I wish to be an influencer in academia, then this is certainly not the way.
Even I had resigned from my job and dedicated all my time to Heart4Japan and hikikomori research, I am still lack of time. There are so much to do. As I am thinking and planning to raise leaders for Heart4Japan, it consumes time. Some of my interventions on hikikomori work, some not. For those who do not work, and for those where salvation were not received, good news were not preached, my heart breaks into pieces. When will this stop? How much longer could I stand with all these unmet demands? How much longer could I endure with this heartache?
The spirit depicted in the Japanese Shonen Manga, Jump Series: persisting for the truth or what one believes, never give up, turning stronger in defeat, etc. encouraged me. The only thing that I could hope for,
No king is saved by the size of his army;
no warrior escapes by his great strength.
A horse is a vain hope for deliverance;
despite all its great strength it cannot save.
But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him,
on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,
to deliver them from death
and keep them alive in famine (Psalm 33: 16-19)
In my nothingness, this is the promise that I can hold on with. I will wait in hope for the LORD.
I have such small faith. How could I be a leader with such little faith? How could I always have such little faith even I had witnessed myself how much my Lord could supply? I feel dismayed, what a sinner am I?
Would you pray for me? Would you pray for the salvation of the Japanese people? Would you pray for the hikikomori so that they will experience love and be free from lies of this world?